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Community Corner

Domestic Violence is Not Your Fault

There is hope and a way out!

Over the years I’ve encountered more cases of domestic violence than I’d like to remember while working with moms. 

I was blessed to grow up in a home where that would never happen.  My father loved and respected my mother and was never anything but tender and loving with her. I’m blessed to be married to a man that loves and respects me and would never do anything to hurt me at all.  Unfortunately, there are women out there where this isn’t the case.

Domestic violence used to be more commonly found among married women. Now it’s becoming a part of some dating relationships in older teens and college age and unmarried young women as well. 

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Let me share some of the stories with you that I’ve had the unfortunate luck to encounter.

The first case of domestic violence was a close friend who was beaten the day before her wedding. We went to pick up our dresses and I noticed she was shakey and upset. When I asked her what was wrong she told me, but made me swear not to say anything and that it was too late to pull out of everything.

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I did as she asked.

A few months later after a few more bad experiences from Mr. Musclehead, my friend got out of the marriage and divorced him. I was relieved and happy for her. She’s now moved on with her life and has a beautiful family with another man.

Another woman I know encountered years of abuse and for appearances sake stayed in the marriage. This particular friend endured something that will stick with me the rest of my life that I never knew about until after all was said and done and that was that her husband had kicked her in the stomach when she was about five months pregnant, causing her to lose the baby. We were not friends at the time, so I didn’t find out about it until the divorce was in process. I am happy to say she is free of that monster and living a much happier life.

Still another case of domestic violence came to my attention in the form of mental abuse. The young woman involved was living with a guy she thought was sweet and had great qualities. His downfall was that he was an alcoholic. A not-so-very-nice one when under the influence.

It was during those times that everything that was wrong with the relationship became HER fault. It got to the point where I watched this once confident, happy-go-lucky young woman turn into a person who doubted herself, blamed herself and became co-dependent.

My heart broke for her. My tears flowed for her. This young man had taken the energetic, happy spirit of this young woman and crushed it.  She finally realized it was time to break away but not after months and months of thinking everything was her fault and that he had no responsibility in it, or at least not as much as she had.  

Happily, she has recovered from all that, is pretty much back to the person she once was and is in a relationship with a wonderful young man who treats her with love and respect.

I remember my parents talking about women in the church who endured beatings from their husbands for attending church every week. My husband told me of his grandmother that would wait until her husband was passed out cold from too much wine after Sunday dinner so that she could attend church services. Sometimes she was beaten for attending when he woke up and found out where she was.

My most recent encounter was with a mom who has endured physical and mental abuse to the point that it made her physically ill. She was pretty much under the rule of this person who calls himself a “man.”  He made her a prisoner in her own home, limiting who she could see, where she could go, keeping her away from other women including those at the church they attended. He didn't allow her to work.

He played with her mind in ways a human shouldn’t have to endure.   She endured name calling, hair pulling, punches, being tossed around, being kicked and being told various things about herself that were not true. Her children witnessed certain things that will probably stick with them the rest of their lives. She went for counseling at her church while going through this and was told that SHE was the problem, that she needed to correct things and that she needed to stay with him for the sake of the children.  

In my opinion, that was the WORST advice any woman could be given as a victim of domestic violence. She stayed. She tried to make it work until finally she had enough. She is currently trying to get her life back away from her abuser.

Abuse in any form is NOT OK. Abusers lie to their victims, telling them they love them and can’t live without them one minute and the next minute they’re taking out all their anger on them. They blame them for past due bills, for the house not being clean enough, for the kids not doing well in school, for their own stress. If there’s a reason to use their victim as a scapegoat, they use it. 

The abuser makes promises to them that they’ll get counseling, that they’ll stop, that things will be better until one day, one out of control moment causes their victim to land in the hospital with serious injuries or worse yet, being removed from the home in a body bag by the coroner. 

Abusers DO NOT change their pattern for the most part unless they make a serious effort to change and to STAY in professional counseling. Most abusers were victims of abuse themselves and the pattern has continued through the generations. 

Hitting someone is not OK. Degrading and shredding self-esteem is NOT ok.  Forcing yourself on someone for sex is NOT ok. 

So many victims become cloudy and unable to sort through all that is happening to them. It is up to friends and family members if they suspect abuse to confront the person and ask if they can help. YES it WILL mean putting yourself into the situation. 

“No way,” you might say to yourself but let me ask you this: “When you get a call that your friend or daughter or sister or cousin is dead will you regret that you didn’t step in and help?” 

If you’re reading this and you are being abused, I am begging you to seek professional help now! Do not stay in the situation you are in.  He is NOT going to change. Stop believing the lies. Get to a safe place with your children if you have them. 

My dear friend, YOU are a precious gift to this world and you do not deserve to continue to be treated the way you are being treated.  There is a bright future out there for you and for your children. You are strong enough to rebuild even though right now you don’t feel strong enough to pick up a Kleenex to wipe your tear-filled eyes. 

Remember this:

YOU CANNOT CONQUER WHAT YOU WON’T CONFRONT. Confront the abuse and don’t think you’re not strong enough to do it. Then confront the abuser with help and then take your first step towards conquering the past that you’ve endured and realize that the past does not determine your future if you make up your mind to change it. 

Good luck my friend.  My prayers and hugs are with you.

Below I’ve listed some places you can seek professional help:

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